Xmas Present

Dear Heppy
for christmas i got the letter with appointment date,
as i'm superstitious and don't want to jinx it again, all i will say is it's in january,
i won't relax and believe it's going to happen until after it actually happens,
because anything could happen anytime beforehand,
nothing's ever granted you see,
prepared for the worst but hoping for the best,
me

Time Is Now

Dear Heppy
a few days ago i realized something,
something that's been escaping me because i had been so busy with being impatient,
when (hopefully) i am on tx my brain more than likely may turn into a mush that won't have capacity to hold concentration on anything for longer than a single minute if not only a score of seconds so all the things that i'd been so confident about doing are not guaranteed at all, in fact may not happen altogether for a year plus, so i got a rush, a huge rush to do as much as i can with my brain before it goes completely vegetarian,
now i'm busy with things that i used to be busy with before you turned my life upside down and entirely took over,
for the time being i have no minute to waste on you,
actually truth be told i shouldn't have wasted as much as i have and it had to take me six months to come to this simple conclusion, but well 'you live and learn' as they say, so i did
i don't think you 24/7 no more
i don't breathe you 24/7 no more
i don't fear you 24/7 no more
i don't talk to you 24/7 no more
i don't talk about you 24/7 no more
you're no longer the only passenger on merry-go-round of my mind spinning time after time in a fixed circle,
waiting is a state of mind - a euphemism for wasting time that's been given to us to use, because every minute that passes is unique, precious and can't be ever recovered,
if i were standing in front of st peter telling me to enter the afterlife realm i'd argue i haven't done everything i wanted to,
and he'd be correct if he told me 'but you had enough of time! you wasted most of it so why should you get more if you don't know what to do with it?'
i'm still not sure if i'm using my time in the best way i could but at least i'm not wasting it for waiting,
what is to be will come regardless
the tables have turned Dear Heppy and now you have to wait
wait for...
...me

Changing Direction

Dear Heppy
yesterday i continued being devastated,
sometimes some things are hard to accept especially when a mistake of allowing oneself to have expectation(s) is made,
i made that mistake and i was paying heavily for it so obviously i fully deserved it,
at the time it was hard to put this disappointment into a context of chain of events so i was full of anger and pain...
in life there are always only two options - give up or regroup and go on,
turns out i am a survivor after all and sooner or later pick myself up,
'the war is won in the heart' - i'd say it's more a mind thing but that's only semantics, truth stays the same regardless of the term used,
what is the solution then?
finding something positive and delayed tx brings a few things about like:
- i could be starting tx along with John and Archer in february or march,
- i will have even more time to get in better shape,
- i will be able to read, watch and play for longer before i'd lose brains to tx fog,
long term protection scheme is also being put in place which involves refocusing, removing myself from intense hcv related mainstream and focusing on some other parts of life that had used to be primary before i found out about you and everything went upside down,
i still will be waiting, countdown won't ever stop but it won't be everything to me anymore, i won't let you win by getting me down,
if the war is won in the heart well then Dear Heppy you've already lost it,
me

Snow

Dear Heppy
i guess you're gonna laugh your little viral ass off when i tell you what just happened today,
on 6 o'clock news they announced that outpatient clinic of st luke's hospital in kilkenny will be closed tomorrow and all the outpatient visits will be canceled,
quite disturbed by that information i rang the hospital and the lady i spoke to hadn't heard of this although i had been a 3rd person already asking her about it,
thank god she asked me for my number so she could ring me back, and she did 15 minutes later to say that she spoke to general director of the hospital who confirmed that indeed what they said on the national news was in fact true,
as you can imagine i went into convulsive shock straight away, infuriated with the way it had all happened, with the irony of my appointment getting canceled just day before and finding out about it just by pure fluke of luck - simply unbelievable!
if not for that though, i would've gone there tomorrow only to kiss the closed door and in result go on a killing spree claiming lives of at least a few innocents who would have happened to be too near me,
right now i just don't know if to laugh or cry....
so countdown as ever continues never quite reaching zero...
again another two, maybe three weeks till that elusive appointment? or maybe until after christmas??
i'm sure you're loving it Dear Heppy and having a ball of a lifetime
well enjoy then for as long as you can
because it's just a matter of time....
me

Lucky Friday

Dear Heppy
hospital got very lucky because today i was meant to ring and chase them up about my appointment but there was no need,
today the mailbox has been very kind to me and handed over the appointment letter i had been waiting for so much,
the original date of 25th november had been crossed out and another one of 2nd of december has been hand written next to it, but that's ok it's already less than two weeks from now,
i am very excited but also increasingly anxious,
as long as i have been suspended in the limbo i had taken a sort of mental holiday but now that things are about to make another leap i am going back in the gear of mobilization and preparation for the pinnacle of the action as this will be the day when i finally find out whether i will be granted tx or not and i need to be ready to argue for it in case obtaining it won't be straightforward
it will be the last obstacle that stands between me and you Dear Heppy
the suspense is fully back on
and countdown continues
me

Doctor Holiday

Dear Heppy
as told by nurse specialist at the day of my biopsy i'd been waiting for three weeks
every day i'd go to the post box with renewed hope to find a letter from kilkenny hospital addressed to me,
i would have been most hopeful on mondays because maybe the letter was supposed to be just in but it got stuck on friday to have a weekend break,
then fridays had been the worst especially if the box was totally empty because then i knew i'd have to wait till monday again...
finally long three weeks had passed and i picked up the phone receiver to remind them about my existence,
i spoke with nurse no1 - noreen,
good news is they didn't forget about me, i didn't get lost in the system or brushed aside or put on hold,
another good thing is that each biopsy result has to be authorised by two pathologists, it means they are aware that singular evaluation may become flawed due to subjective nature of scoring system and they want to avoid that therefore two heads are better than one and are more able to come up with middle ground closer to factual state of things,
but the bad news is one of those pathologic heads is currently on holidays that's why my results are still not in as they're pending for second authorisation,
noreen was unable to tell me when the results could be expected but to soften the blow she told me my appointment with consultant is scheduled for 25th of november and i will be receiving confirmation in the post,
oh Dear Heppy this was the bit of news i was really waiting for all this time, a bit miffed it's nearly all 24 long days away but very happy to have concrete date to countdown to!
i couldn't help being cunning too because i asked if i'd be seeing the consultant at the hepatology unit or in the outpatient clinic - noreen confirmed the latter which means upon arrival at the reception i will be issued my file to carry upstairs and then i will be able to complete my unfinished work and take pictures of my remaining blood results, the chance i had been so brutally deprived of at the day of my biopsy,
so we have had another little leap forward Dear Heppy,
now again there's nothing else to do but wait,
can you feel that silent excited tension slowly building up?
we are getting closer to the day of truth when future of our lives will be decided,
can't wait!
me
ps. the voting for bx results poll has been prolonged until 2nd of dec

Waiting

Dear Heppy
sorry i haven't been writing lately but still there's no news of any kind to break,
it's been more than 2 weeks now since my biopsy and so far i haven't heard anything from hospital yet,
if i don't get a phone call or a letter by next wednesday i'll get in contact with them myself to find out what the story is and then i'll let you know,
on one hand days are busy and filled with various activities but on the other when i do mental checks on calendar, dates seem to be shifting very slowly, very strange thing that time relativity and waiting,
waiting...
waiting can be truly tiring and exhausting,
and i don't wait as much for what my results are but for the results themselves because they are my ticket to a consultation visit and what i'm waiting for most is to find out if i am going to have treatment or not as i will not relax about it until i know for certain
i want to know if our blood sport tournament is going to be on
me

Interactive Games

Dear Heppy
i thought it a funny idea to get a bit playful and to make a poll on what my liver biopsy result score is going to be
since i've no idea how long you really have been with me then i don't know how much damage you may have done
i've been drinking heavily for more than good 5 years in total - we're talking a bottle of wine, martini or vodka every evening for months on end
total extensive alcohol use would be roughly 10 years altogether
what else have we got?
about 25 years of binge eating with huge overdose of sugar and sweets of all sorts
about 23 years of being overweight, of which 3 obese
god only knows how i managed to avoid diabetes for so long
on the other hand my bloods are very good, LFTs within norm, ultrasound says liver is ok and not inflamed
so it's really a tough call, a big unknown, it could be anything
the more fun it would be to play a bit of liver bx lotto - wouldn't it?
is my liver going to be unscathed after all the abuse?
is all that i've done to it and what you've done to it had effect and is slowly destroying it?
or is it already too late and the damage is done beyond point of return?
let's find out Dear Heppy shall we?
let's see what others think
may the fun begin! - vote casting machine is available on the right side bar till the end of october
happy voting!
me

Poke'mon Liver

Dear Heppy
last wednesday i have had my liver biopsy done,
i was admitted into day ward at 9am,
around 9.30 i was seen by a young doctor who explained the procedure  to me once again along with possible risks, she answered a few of my questions, i signed consent form and she fitted me with a cannula,
a bit after 10am i was changed into hospital gown, given 10mg valium and ushered downstairs to x-ray department,
valium did its trick and i snoozed away on the corridor while waiting for biopsy,
i don't know how long i slept for, possibly more than 30 mins,
nurse specialist no2 came to wake me up and to wheel me in,
i was in good spirit and found it very comforting that the nurse and the radiologist had been chatting in a relaxed way about their respective families as if they were best friends, maybe they were and for some reason i found it mesmerising just listening to them chirping away while i watched radiologist putting the gown and gloves on and preparing instruments,
with expertise she quickly located my liver with ultrasound machine, placed the X mark and loaded up syringe with anesthetic,
that was the bit i was most afraid of but the nurse skillfully distracted me with questions about our dogs, no idea how she knew it was the best topic she could've picked but of course it worked,
i could feel something going on at the side of my ribcage but being unable to concentrate on two things at the same time and doped up with valium i had to direct all my mental forces towards the conversation, so much so i didn't even register when the actual biopsy took place, i made it just to see radiologist emptying the big needle into plastic container and register time on the clock - 11:10am
almost instantly i started feeling pain creeping into my right shoulder and in the side, it slowly grew from noticeable to very annoying and uncomfortable,
thankfully i was given a shot to kill the pain and i drifted off to sleep,
for the first hour my blood pressure was taken every 15 min, then every 30 min and finally on hourly basis,
2hrs after biopsy at 1.30pm i was given a small cup of water, i thought i would throw myself at it after hours of not being allowed to drink anything but i was fine enough only to sip a little bit,
after another 2hrs at 3.30pm i'd been given a sandwich with tea and allowed to get up to use the bathroom,
the pain has returned but it was nothing as it had been in the beginning and there was no need for more painkillers,
at 6.30pm the doctor came back to see me and officially discharge me,
they were very happy with my recovery and so was i with care that i'd been given,
everyone was extremely nice, patient and kind to me, i couldn't thank them all enough,
on that wednesday morning i walked in there terrified and wringing my wrists with anxiety but i walked out of there in the evening relaxed and happy with wonderful experience and memory of exciting adventure that it had been,
i was told results would be in around 2 - 3 weeks either given on the phone or explained at the visit with the consultant,
i'm not afraid anymore
i'm not even impatient for the results
all i can think of is the next step - meeting up with the consultant and if he agrees to release the weapons to me so i could use them against you Dear Heppy,
currently, apart from winning lotto, there's nothing more i would love to get in my life than this
me

Scar Tissue

Dear Heppy
my upcoming biopsy is meant to reveal how much damage you've made within my liver,
but technically it's a false statement which has been a shock for me to discover a while back,
it's not you who kills off liver - it's the very own immune system that does it,
regardless if you leave liver cells after replication by bursting membranes or by sliding out the attacked cells push their panic buttons calling for help,
cytokines like police squad arrive to asses the situation then call on for anti-terrorist reinforcements of leukocytes which in turn like a proper squad would, for the safety of all civilians they request to block off the affected sector and this job is done by liver's local stellate cells that lay down layers of collagen to separate the attacked cluster of cells from other healthy ones,
that very collagen is the essence of fibrosis,
it cuts off everything not to let contamination get out but it also prevents delivery of oxygen and nutrients from getting in,
the collagen cocooned cells are sentenced to death by starvation and suffocation for the benefit and safety of everyone else in the liver,
it wouldn't be that bad but this process is constant, never ending, never stopping, slowly there are more cut off dead and dying cells than there are new ones being produced or collagen removed once state of high alert is called off,
bit by bit damage overcomes regeneration rate,
it takes years, many years - at least 20 on average, sometimes even much more before fibrosis turns into cirrhosis - a scarring so severe it's beyond amazing ability of liver to repair itself but still it is able to function even if only 10% of its original capacity remains but when that goes as well then only liver transplant option remains...
so the truth is you are not as vicious Dear Heppy, you don't mean to damage anything intentionally, like a parasite you just want to hijack a bit of this and that to make your life more prosperous but even though you do your best to be as quiet about it as possible you do trigger alarm bells and immune system in its being thorough and zealous over reacts in the use of protective measures causing damage to its own master and draws all attention and finger of accusation towards you,
if it wasn't for that little detail Dear Heppy maybe you could have a chance for living in symbiosis just like other 'good bacteria' do but you haven't perfected it yet and for that reason i'm afraid you have to go,
i'm sorry but even though it's not your fault directly, you have to be cut out so my own immune system didn't cut off my liver
it's gotta be one or the other - unfortunately there can be no compromise
me

Pre-bx Visit

Dear Heppy
yesterday i went for my pre-biosy visit to have bloods taken,
getting up at 6am is not one of my favourites but with the right attitude most of things can be turned into exciting adventure,
the nurse i had met first time recognized me and sunshine instantly but this time we've been seen by a 3rd nurse and she was as nice and fantastic as the other two,
she answered all our questions, explained biopsy procedure and what else will be happening on the day and took 3 vials of blood,
if i don't hear anything from them by monday evening it means my bloods are fine and the biopsy will go ahead on wednesday next week,
since i've been told i won't be allowed to drink anything for at least 12 hrs i'm not scared of needles anymore because vision of bone dry mouth is much more terrifying,
nevertheless i'm actually looking forward to it,
for some strange reason i am not scared of what result of it may be like in the end,
i've been so waiting for it to find out because i couldn't bear the unknown of what you may have done to me and now suddenly it doesn't matter anymore... maybe because i rest assured that treatment will be my salvation or because i've grown to accept that whatever it is i can't change it and i peacefully surrender to what universe has planned to put me through because this is my path i need to walk
life is not hard or not unfair, it is what it is, you Dear Heppy helped me realize and put into practice that it is what i make of it and whatever i need to face i will take it on because there are no rules, without rules that can be broken there is no ground for complaint,
and simply in that i am the winner already because you can break my body but you cannot break my spirit
me

Phone Call

Dear Heppy
so far things seem not to be going according to the primary plan whatsoever
first i was given appointment date that didn't get a chance to happen because it came to be sooner
then i was given rough outline for biopsy date in another four months and it too won't have a chance to happen as it will come much, much sooner
at the sooner appointment i was told that i'd be contacted within seven days with exact date of biopsy and i was fine with that
seven days had passed but no news came...
i am impatient
i worry a lot
i am neurotic
i like things to work out perfect if possible
i like people to stick to the words they say
but i understand that another human factor which very rarely can be relied on has to be taken into account and that can't be helped
so i allowed for another seven days to pass
and they did and it was enough then, i picked up the receiver and dialed
this time i spoke to a different nurse specialist who floored and shocked me positively by announcing i could have my biopsy on 6th of october which is in less than two weeks!
of course i agreed extremely happy and grateful for such turn of events
just imagine Dear Heppy with only one phone call my waiting time has been cut down from four months to less than two weeks - so far kilkenny looks like an amazing sort of time warp zone, long may it continue
of course i wondered for a few seconds would they have ever rung and would have i been left to wait for long had i not done it first myself but better not to question luck too much right?
it's all brilliant as it is
this friday i need to go over there to have my bloods taken before the biopsy, main reason being that with increasing liver damage level of platelets gets lower and that affects and slows time of blood clotting which may lead to risk of internal bleeding after the puncture is performed and can be a very dangerous complication, so they need to know if it's safe to jab me in between the ribs or if they'd have to go in through the vein in my neck
by the look of my last results for platelets i should be fine plus i'm on vit K2 which promotes clotting although i take it for its anti IR properties
if things keep happening the way they are, my Dear Heppy we may cross our swords before this year is out or just as we step into 2011
i don't know why but this number looks absolutely perfect and fitting for waging out a war
don't you think?
me

Will I Be Normal?

Dear Heppy
when it comes to you there's always more questions than answers
let's take a supposedly very simple question right?
what is normal and how does it feel?
30 seconds...
20 seconds...
10 seconds...
...
sorry time's up!
i don't know what the answer is, i don't know if always feeling sleepy and tired since i can remember is your fault, if you've been with me all my life then yes it's possible but if you weren't then why am i like that and if i win with you will it improve, stay same or get worse?
see where i'm coming from?
let's see what else,
feeling cold most of the time always blamed on thyroid but may have been due to vit D deficiency that is normal in people infected with you
gastrointestinal problems, bloating and water retention that i blamed PCOS for but maybe you just share the bonds between you and it doesn't matter in the end?
mood swings and depressive states i always thought were just me being a misshapen and unfitting person - thank god tyrosine has changed that
those are things that have been with me since early days but there are also new recent ones, major one being brain fog, i've always loved words and collecting them was my hobby but recently i find it progressively harder to find even simple ones... i know what word i want to use but its alphabetical transliteration doesn't come for ages, i can't remember what happened previous day unless given memory anchor, sometimes i'm not sure anymore which planet i live on, it's a bit unsettling to be losing mental capacity that used to be readily available at a drop of a hat...
in general it's not very bad you know, i manage, i have things under control thanks to numerous supplements and vitamins that i take, thanks to them my brain wakes up when the body gets up, i have physical and mental energy to scramble out of the bed and start the day and i can function with more often than not happy spirit so i forget what it is like without my bionic fixtures and believe me you without them things are not as rosy at all, think pink bunny without its energizer batteries image, yeah quite not fun, quite flat and motionless actually
so if i don't know answer what it means to feel normal i am left to wonder if i find out once you're gone or will it all stay with me or get worse?
i don't rule out anything but my curiosity and hope that for once i could taste what it means to feel like healthy humans feel is one of the reasons that keeps me determined to try to get rid of you
and hopefully i will
me

Breaking News

Dear Heppy
i have some good and bad news for you
bad news is i will be getting treatment
the good news is i will have to wait for about 6 months before it starts
i guess you're curious now for me to elaborate more on each, right?
the more bad news for you is that the nurse specialist i had spoken to on my visit is fantastic
she was very patient in answering all of my numerous questions and had all the time in the world for me
i was extremely happy to find out they use rescue drugs if needed so in case my bloods drop dosages won't be lowered or treatment stopped so you won't be given a chance to get a breather, instead you'll be under constant shoot out
when i need them anti depressants also will be prescribed so hopefully i won't pack in to give you chance to win just because i'd be too down or insane
they will do whatever they can to hit you hard and fast to give you least odds possible
and they will take good care of me
as you see despite lots of prior anxiety how things would work out i managed to get good team on my side to fight this war against you
the further good news is if i am a slow responder they would not extend treatment to 72 weeks so if you put up a strong fight you are in a chance of beating me in this by stripping me off my weapons
also i will have to wait for biopsy for about four months, unless i would be called in for biopsy sooner if a cancellation happens, and then another two before i could fire my guns at you so you have quite a bit of time to continue your heppy existence and plot against me
nevertheless despite securing good treatment team with good treatment plan still i know it may not be enough to win with you but it greatly increases my chances and i feel happy, excited and truly blessed i will have opportunity to use that funky weaponry against you
ultimately as statistics rightly state we both have 50% chance and our glasses are half full because i am happy, confident and empowered with what i have achieved so far to stand against you and so is yours because you are heppy, confident and empowered with what you have achieved so far in destroying my body
it's going to be a very interesting and exciting duel don't you think?
me

Invasion

Dear Heppy
sometimes i think your mentality and modus operandi is so much like that of humans you reside in
you're like conquistadors flooding south america, you're like early settlers claiming virgin plains of wild wild west, you're like explorers sailing to far away and exotic lands looking for oriental spices and treasures and you're like astronauts reaching even further towards other planets and stars
syringe is like a spaceship in which you can go to new places where you could build your civilization because more often than not you're lucky, cunning and strong enough that even though upon disembarkment you are faced with indigenious hordes of white cells that like wild animals want to hunt you down and rip you apart you survive and succeed in taking over
your tactic is to dress up in protective armor made of lipids and knock on the cell doors like that of village huts looking for shelter
and once the naive docile dwellers in good faith welcome you in, you take everyone hostage by inhibiting AMP kinase and roll out your genetic laboratory to produce more, more and more of yourself, because strength is in numbers and from tentative explorer you turn into alexander the great's voracious army killing, raping, pillaging and burning down everything that is on your way
in the mean time lots of you die in the battlefield but it won't matter because by then for each fallen soldier you have two or three new ones ready to march on
you spread and spread until you take over and populate the entire universe, you travel to galaxies as distant as bone marrow, cerebrospinal fluid, lymph nodes and even brain, there's no limit, there's no stopping you
you came, you saw, you conquered
are you at all aware of effect your actions have on ecology?
do you realise that just like humans at first tentatively set out to discover new places and as their numbers and confidence rose they built cities, nations, went to war and populated the whole earth, they damaged it by their greed and exploitation to suffering point, and you do the very same thing by destroying the world you live in?
as your mother earth i'd like to say i've had enough Dear Heppy, i want to unleash biblical apocalypse upon you and send you back to hell you came from, be able to restore as much as possible and live in harmony with nature, the way it should be
me

Letter Campaign

Dear Heppy
i'm afraid you're not gonna be happy with what i'm just about to tell you
some three weeks ago i've embarked on a seemingly crazy mission of writing a seemingly innocent enough letter with a few questions regarding treatment protocols and sending it off to six out of seven hepatology clinics in the country
when i was sending those letters on their, what i had thought, mission impossible i never really expected to receive any response although quietly i was hoping for one, but not two weeks went by and i got it
i was so happy and overjoyed because the answers have lifted the veil off of the unknown for me and i was glad i could relax and refocus while awaiting for my 1st appointment
finally i knew what rules of the game to expect
and it could've been just that
but the following day i had received an email from another clinic asking for my phone number, because they wanted to contact me and discuss things
what a joy right?
not only that, the very same day i found a thin brown envelope in the mail box, i knew something was up, i opened it trembling with excitement and there without beating about the bush i had an actual appointment date for the hospital in Kilkenny in my hand
you couldn't imagine the emotions and thoughts that raced through my head at that moment
utter disbelief i got replies flowing in, shock at getting way more than i had bargained for, overflow of the joy how things started working out, good dose of panic about making right choice, huge excitement of the prospect of getting treatment and boundless gratitude for generosity that universe offers me
even for a good while i got confused as to the date, i could see september on it but it took me a bit to fully realize that the 8th is actually only week away!
so Dear Heppy if nothing forbids i will be going to my first appointment in one weeks time
two months sooner than we both had thought
i am over the moon while i guess you may not be so much so... don't blame ya, life sometimes does suck
just like i got bad news once i think it's ok for you get some sometime too
so we're even in that department
and maybe much much closer to standing head to head in the fighting ring
start getting your gloves ready Dear Heppy because sooner or later i'm coming to get you
me

Recipe

Dear Heppy
a couple weeks back one Nomad asked me how i'm dealing with it (meaning you)
so i've been thinking on what it is that i do to deal with you
the recipe consists of a few ingredients
a pinch of denial - as in not allowing myself to fully realize the scope of things as it may become too overwhelming, it's more like being a spectator in a cinema watching a horror movie while munching on popcorn and sipping coke (both not advisable if infected with you)
buckets of knowledge and information - most crucial ingredient required for the concoction to be successful, hours of daily poring through information, studies, research papers, forum posts, blogs and it's still not enough, the more the better, because information is a powerful tool and weapon against you and a huge soothing tranquilizer for the mind too
daily load of acceptance - kicking up tantrums styled on 'why me?', 'why now?', 'why you?' are not in any way constructive, this is what it is, sitting and feeling sorry for myself won't solve anything, neither sweeping under the carpet would make anything go away, as they say 'shit happens', you are the cards that i've been dealt with so might as well play them as best as i can, everyone dies - each new day could be the last anyway so why worry? at least you are slow unlike cancer and you give your opponents lots of time for the fight, which i think is very nice of you as things could have been so much worse
constant supply of hope - life without hope is nothing, without it might as well pick a coffin and lay in it, as long as there's hope there's future
heaps of humour - laughter and jokes make dint in seriousness, raise endorphins, strengthen immune system and make life sweeter and happier
a ton of Nomadic support - nobody understands you better then those who have or have had you
that's all it takes to be able to get up each day, to move on and be ready to look into the future and whatever it may bring
there are of course dark days, anxiety days, rough days, crap days, sad days, good days, fantastic days and happy days, but that's nothing different from the days that life serves anyway, the only difference is you truly spice it up, magnify it, enhance it, give it an edge, give it a purpose and grace it with appreciation of how beautiful it can be even when things get very murky
why? because nothing lasts for ever Dear Heppy, neither will you even if it means over my dead body
me

D-Day

Dear Heppy
so far in my experience when it comes to you there's never anything more memorable than diagnosis day, dx day, d-day
the day the news about you got broken, the day when your silent presence got exposed, the day when the whole life went crashing down like WTC towers, the day from which nothing is ever going to be the same
it was 9am when i received the phone call from the gyno doc, i was still very groggy, i am never up so early, so i didn't register nearly three quarters of what had been said to me, all i could hear were fragmentary words coming from somewhere afar .....hcv.. test.. positive........hepatitis C.......contact doctor asap........further testing...........you should be put on national registry of people with infectious diseases... national registry of people with infectious diseases!??! that bit woke me up completely and then i really started listening to what had been said to me - i was told where to go and whom to contact for further testing
mother knew something was brewing up so i told her 'hepatitis C?' she broke down in tears, i felt dumb, all i knew about hepatitis was it's when people go yellow
i reached for my laptop lying 2 feet away and googled, started reading, the more i read the less i was understanding and only single words were jumping out at me from the body of text no vaccine, cirrhosis, liver failure, cancer, ascites, varices, hepatic encephalopathy, coma, DEATH
......shock, an utter indescribable shock
it felt as a sort of weird imploding inner explosion, like on a slow mo scientific footage when the air gets sucked in and all goes very quiet and very still before everything goes suddenly boom and chaos follows
from that moments i have only singular pictures in memory of mother crying, me numb on the floor uncomprehending, rays of morning sun cheerfully coming in through the window, particles of dust dancing in the air, laptop screen with hcv...and then after that suspension in nothingness everything sprang to life on a double speed
on the outside i was absolutely calm as if nothing had happened so what was the whole drama about but inside my head i wanted to fold, curl up and sob, scream and run all at the same time - an absolute inner panic i was going to die and very soon at that
i got dressed and went with mother to the laboratory i had been told about, everything around me was so surreal, sunny day, people and traffic on the streets - unbelievable
i was there walking on an auto pilot while all i could register was a pulse of the blood pumping the death in my veins each second, i was saying good byes to everything i knew, i was saying good byes to myself and everyone i cared about, that was it for me
but you know Dear Heppy what jump started me back?
the most simple thing of all - i got hungry
if the most basic yet most powerful of instincts prevailed it meant it couldn't have been that bad, it made me realize that life goes on and will go on regardless, mine and everyone elses, the world won't stop turning and that's when i regained my capability of functioning and thinking again
back on that day i have truly died for a little while and got reborn to a new completely different life
a life with you Dear Heppy and i can vaguely remember there had been another me from before but from that day on i can't think of my life with you not ever being in it
and even if one day you'd be gone my life would still remain changed for ever
you are so so tiny, yet so powerful
my hat's off to you Dear Heppy
me

Chain of Events

Dear Heppy
do you believe that all things happen for a reason?
i do
sometimes things that happen don't seem to be good at first but as the time goes and more things happen in follow up then the previous ones only become positive and make sense in retrospective
it has happened to me so many times that although sometimes i may moan about the current situation in the end i know somewhere deep down this is all happening for the best or for a better reason
that's what happened with you Dear Heppy and it's been the most amazing chain of events ever
if i had no PCOS i wouldn't have thought i was feeling bad for any other reason than that
if i hadn't been feeling bad i wouldn't have gone to a doctor while i was visiting my mother abroad
if i hadn't have gone to a doctor i wouldn't have had an ultrasound of ovaries
if i hadn't have had the ultrasound a large cyst wouldn't have been discovered
if it hadn't been discovered i wouldn't have been referred to a gynecologist in ireland once back home
if i hadn't been referred i wouldn't have gone only to have a chat with her and no follow up to my cyst
if i had had the follow up i would've found out that the cyst had spontaneously reabsorbed
if i had found that out i wouldn't have gone back to my mother's with intention of surgical removal of the cyst
if i wouldn't have gone thinking the cyst had been still there i wouldn't have had all the standard pre-op blood tests done
if i hadn't have them done i wouldn't have hcv antibody test done
if the hcv test result had been ready before the time i had the appointment with the gyno i wouldn't have understood its importance
if that hcv test hadn't been faxed over to the gyno's office once the results had been ready the doctor wouldn't have called me next day in the morning to tell me my hcv antibodies had been positive and what it meant
if she hadn't rang me and told me who to go to next i wouldn't have known what to do myself
if the microbiologist who i was referred by the gyno doc to had run the once a week PCR test on monday as he usually did i wouldn't have had my viral load test result 2 days later
if i hadn't that result i wouldn't have gone to have liver function tests and ultrasound done
if i hadn't have had them done i wouldn't have had anything to go with to a consultation with a hepatologist
if i hadn't gone to the hepatologist i wouldn't have known where i stood with you at all and wouldn't have been advised to test for hep A&B antibodies
if i hadn't tested for them i wouldn't have known if i should vaccinate
if i didn't know if to vaccinate i wouldn't have started the 3 round vaccination course there and then
back in ireland if i hadn't all those results i wouldn't have been referred to an irish hepatologist
if i had not been unemployed i couldn't have applied for medical card
if i had not got a note about my hcv from my GP to social welfare officer i wouldn't have gotten the full medical cover due to nature of how system in here works
if i hadn't been granted full medical card i wouldn't be able to afford treatment
if i wouldn't be able to afford treatment there would've been nothing i could do about you
if i couldn't do anything about you i could've ended up with serious health complications, liver damage, maybe cirrhosis, in result liver failure and death
if so many things hadn't have happened in this mind blowing synchronization as they had i wouldn't have been where i am now
waiting for another link of the chain to add to this string
and also if you never have happened to me i wouldn't have been able to wake up and come to appreciate every single moment of my life and for that i thank you Dear Heppy
me

Grudge

Dear Heppy
please have a look at this picture
it's a beautiful day out in the mountains, the air is warm and rich with smell of wild grasses and flowers carried by gentle breeze
my father went to a grocery store and my mother is hanging the washing on the line while i am practicing walking in the kitchenette of a holiday camp cottage
at 18 months of age it's quite a challenge not to lose balance often and again i have as my pudgy legs got tangled, in attempt to prevent the fall i grabbed for a cable of an electric heater and along with it pulled down a 5 liter pot of hot boiling water onto myself
the ambulance siren is howling terribly as it rushes me to the nearest hospital, they're trying to take off my clothes and the skin peels off stuck to the fabric as they go
there's a huge rush around me as lots of people frantically are trying to stabilize me, they look for the vein to put the blood drip in but all the normally used veins are too tiny so they finally hook into a vein on my head
it worked
i survived
i recovered
i have not a smallest scar left as a reminder
i was very lucky
i cannot possibly remember any of this but i've heard recall of the events enough times to fill in the gap with vivid pictures that substitute those real memories that are missing
studies claim only about 20% of children who received HCV tainted blood transfusion become infected, out of which about 80% develop chronic hepatitis C
german study on early natural history of HCV in children shows that grand majority of younger subjects exhibit slower progression of disease ie liver damage over the years but the minority is faced with aggressive progression resulting in liver failure since infection even in as little as 5 - 10 years
maybe it was then Dear Heppy when our paths have crossed and entwined together to create a new thread of fate and destiny for both of us
i like to believe that's when it was
33 years together
so can i rely on results of that german study and believe that my liver is as not damaged as it normally could've been because of all the alcohol that i had drunk and sugar i had consumed?
i don't want to bet on it but nevertheless i keep it as a little token of hope
and do i feel any grudge because of what had happened?
do i blame the anonymous blood donor who out of goodness of their heart gave their blood away to save my life?
do i blame the doctors or hospital for giving it to me?
no
there's no grudge, because they couldn't have known about you lurking about, they had no means of detecting you back then, they did as best as they could and thanks to them i am here now to tell this story and write next chapters of it
will it have a happy ending?
i don't know only time will tell
but if at any stage you won't be there to see for yourself anymore be sure you will be there somewhere in my memory
me

Origins

Dear Heppy
how did it all begin?
can you remember when and how even yourself?
thus a single copy of you lives for only 2 - 3 hours and we're looking at years here so it must've been many many generations for you ago!
do you carry memory of those things anywhere?
or at present you're as clueless as i am and the story of origins is a mere legend to you whispered down through the generations of RNA replication?
in the very beginning i wanted to know, not how, but when to know how long you have been doing your underground activities for...
the trouble with you Dear Heppy is that liver function tests within norm don't mean my liver is not damaged, the number on viral load test doesn't co-relate with how long you've been occupying my body, the symptoms i experience courtesy of you don't indicate what you have been really up to either
you're one great mystery lurking in every single drop of my blood
so all i was left with was guessing
- it may have been my dragon tattoo even though done at the respectable studio still studies show that even if all the accessories are properly sterilized you can survive and migrate through ink if tattoo artist reuses the bottle instead of opening a brand new one for each client
- it may have happened so many times at various dentists and especially one that sticks out in my mind when there was no disposable syringes at the time yet
- it may have happened on either of my two eye surgeries when i was 10 and people only knew of non hepA or B virus at the time
- it very likely could have been through life saving blood transfusion i received in my infancy a tad more than 30 years ago, before anyone on this planet had any idea about you
you could ask why i bother breaking my head about it, well this is what i am like - i'd like to know how long you have been my silent companion to try to predict how much damage you could have inflicted on me and i like to believe for myself we've been together for nearly all my life, not that it really makes much difference because if and when i will have liver biopsy done i will get to see how robust in causing anarchy at cellular level your population has been
and even biopsy result wouldn't tell how long you may have been my unwelcome guest for, but then it really won't matter because i won't have to be guessing anymore, i will know for certain what kind of heritage i've acquired from your Heppy civilization, then the past can be let go and story of origins will become only a mere bedtime tale
but until then i need a crutch, a mental anchor of my battle ship dropped deep down into past to keep me steady on the surface if the result comes back unfavorable and hits me hard like a tsunami and i need to stay afloat to be able to fire my cannons at you with full strength when the time comes
me

Enter the Dragon

Dear Heppy
for some reason HepC people call you dragon
dragons are magnificent and beautiful creatures and i can't seem to be able to see you in depreciating light because of that mental picture that i have
they often use phrase 'slaying the dragon' and it makes me cringe because it sounds so demeaning, so disrespectful as if they were chopping up a mere cow at a slaughter house
as a dragon that you are you deserve respect and a proper evaluation of your true potential such as
fierceness - you replicate and mutate with amazing speed
jealousy - liver is your treasure and you guard it with all your strength
resilience - you can survive for a very long time in adverse environment
greediness - you devour and destroy cells blindly not thinking one day the hand that's feeding you might run out of resources bringing you doom in result
vanity - you think only of yourself and your well being
arrogance - you laugh in the face of humans and their attempts to eradicate you
beauty - you are state of the art, so tiny, so powerful, so efficient, so simple yet so dangerous
can't help but admire and respect you but that's where it ends
see that tattoo on my shoulder?
it's a sign of a dragon as i'm a dragon myself
born in its year with double fire aspect
i too am fierce - i will fight till the last drop
jealous - i don't like sharing what's mine with others
resilient - whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger
greedy - the less of you the better
vain - i deserve my freedom
arrogant - i like to think your own arrogance will be your downfall
beautiful - as a human i am state of the art too, so big, so powerful, so efficient, so complicated yet so dangerous
so as you can see we've exactly the same qualities that make us equal
a dragon against a dragon
most spectacular fight of all times
can't wait!
me

1st countdown begins

Dear Heppy
today my first countdown begins - 90 days till my 1st appointment with a specialist at hepatology unit at st james's hospital in dublin
i'm very happy about that appointment because finally i'll be able (i hope) to ask all my questions from the list i've started writing down a while ago
i want to find out if they would treat me, if i need to have liver biopsy, how long i'd have to wait for the start, what other specialists i'd have to see for the assessment, what is their protocol regarding treatment, if they offer rescue drugs should my bloods fall and many other details depending on what would first answers be
at the same time i'm very anxious about that visit, i don't know what to expect, although i've already tried to gather some early intel so far i had no success in obtaining any valuable information so i'll be going in to a complete darkness armed with only a few matches of knowledge i so desperately collect on the hepC forum
i'm unable to put aside my reservations dictated by logical part of my mind, i've always been like that, trying to know before something happens and not being able to find out extremely irritates me but on the other hand spiritual part of my mind makes me full of hope because so far everything that happened leading to where i am now has been orchestrated from above and i trust it will continue, because i do believe everything happens for a reason and no matter how hard i'd try to change the inevitable or fear it, it will happen anyway because it has something in it for me to experience and learn from
i trust the universe and even though sometimes it's so hard to let go of control, today i'm in a good place and my heart is full of hope that whatever happens it's gonna be fine
me

Dear Heppy

it's so strange to be writing to my own enemy but as Sun-Tzu said - keep your friends close but enemies closer...
so let's get to know each other better
well by now you know me well enough anyway, you've been a secret agent working undercover for a good while haven't you? how long is it now 30 years? sure you have a lot of experience and intel on me, you've made yourself very comfy haven't you?
i suppose you never thought your identity would get discovered but it did, yet only two months ago
you've had long years to do your thing while i've only started getting to know you very recently
in a way i understand this is your job and you simply do what you are meant to do - find a host, settle in their liver and replicate, that's only natural thing to do, everyone wants to live, prosper and continue on through populating so i don't blame you at all
i don't even feel any grudge towards getting you because you came in a blood that had saved my life years ago but the problem is although our goals are the same you stand in the way of my well being
you might ask what gives me the right to wish upon your demise, thus god created everything equal right? but it's also way of nature for species to compete for survival and that's what i need to do, fight for my right to live on
you're tough buddy in your own right anyway even though you're so tiny tiny yet this and your numbers are your strengths so i'd say this confrontation is fairly equal and you shouldn't complain as you got a good headstart anyway and i need to work hard to catch up with my own preparations for the battle against you
it's going to be a long campaign
a very long countdown consisting of series of smaller countdowns towards each goal or mile stone that will mark my moving closer to trying myself against you
we both have chances of winning or losing at the end of it
let's begin then shall we?
may the best win
me