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Monday, August 23, 2010


Dear Heppy
so far in my experience when it comes to you there's never anything more memorable than diagnosis day, dx day, d-day
the day the news about you got broken, the day when your silent presence got exposed, the day when the whole life went crashing down like WTC towers, the day from which nothing is ever going to be the same
it was 9am when i received the phone call from the gyno doc, i was still very groggy, i am never up so early, so i didn't register nearly three quarters of what had been said to me, all i could hear were fragmentary words coming from somewhere afar .....hcv.. test.. positive........hepatitis doctor asap........further should be put on national registry of people with infectious diseases... national registry of people with infectious diseases!??! that bit woke me up completely and then i really started listening to what had been said to me - i was told where to go and whom to contact for further testing
mother knew something was brewing up so i told her 'hepatitis C?' she broke down in tears, i felt dumb, all i knew about hepatitis was it's when people go yellow
i reached for my laptop lying 2 feet away and googled, started reading, the more i read the less i was understanding and only single words were jumping out at me from the body of text no vaccine, cirrhosis, liver failure, cancer, ascites, varices, hepatic encephalopathy, coma, DEATH
......shock, an utter indescribable shock
it felt as a sort of weird imploding inner explosion, like on a slow mo scientific footage when the air gets sucked in and all goes very quiet and very still before everything goes suddenly boom and chaos follows
from that moments i have only singular pictures in memory of mother crying, me numb on the floor uncomprehending, rays of morning sun cheerfully coming in through the window, particles of dust dancing in the air, laptop screen with hcv...and then after that suspension in nothingness everything sprang to life on a double speed
on the outside i was absolutely calm as if nothing had happened so what was the whole drama about but inside my head i wanted to fold, curl up and sob, scream and run all at the same time - an absolute inner panic i was going to die and very soon at that
i got dressed and went with mother to the laboratory i had been told about, everything around me was so surreal, sunny day, people and traffic on the streets - unbelievable
i was there walking on an auto pilot while all i could register was a pulse of the blood pumping the death in my veins each second, i was saying good byes to everything i knew, i was saying good byes to myself and everyone i cared about, that was it for me
but you know Dear Heppy what jump started me back?
the most simple thing of all - i got hungry
if the most basic yet most powerful of instincts prevailed it meant it couldn't have been that bad, it made me realize that life goes on and will go on regardless, mine and everyone elses, the world won't stop turning and that's when i regained my capability of functioning and thinking again
back on that day i have truly died for a little while and got reborn to a new completely different life
a life with you Dear Heppy and i can vaguely remember there had been another me from before but from that day on i can't think of my life with you not ever being in it
and even if one day you'd be gone my life would still remain changed for ever
you are so so tiny, yet so powerful
my hat's off to you Dear Heppy

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