Waiting

Dear Heppy
sorry i haven't been writing lately but still there's no news of any kind to break,
it's been more than 2 weeks now since my biopsy and so far i haven't heard anything from hospital yet,
if i don't get a phone call or a letter by next wednesday i'll get in contact with them myself to find out what the story is and then i'll let you know,
on one hand days are busy and filled with various activities but on the other when i do mental checks on calendar, dates seem to be shifting very slowly, very strange thing that time relativity and waiting,
waiting...
waiting can be truly tiring and exhausting,
and i don't wait as much for what my results are but for the results themselves because they are my ticket to a consultation visit and what i'm waiting for most is to find out if i am going to have treatment or not as i will not relax about it until i know for certain
i want to know if our blood sport tournament is going to be on
me

Interactive Games

Dear Heppy
i thought it a funny idea to get a bit playful and to make a poll on what my liver biopsy result score is going to be
since i've no idea how long you really have been with me then i don't know how much damage you may have done
i've been drinking heavily for more than good 5 years in total - we're talking a bottle of wine, martini or vodka every evening for months on end
total extensive alcohol use would be roughly 10 years altogether
what else have we got?
about 25 years of binge eating with huge overdose of sugar and sweets of all sorts
about 23 years of being overweight, of which 3 obese
god only knows how i managed to avoid diabetes for so long
on the other hand my bloods are very good, LFTs within norm, ultrasound says liver is ok and not inflamed
so it's really a tough call, a big unknown, it could be anything
the more fun it would be to play a bit of liver bx lotto - wouldn't it?
is my liver going to be unscathed after all the abuse?
is all that i've done to it and what you've done to it had effect and is slowly destroying it?
or is it already too late and the damage is done beyond point of return?
let's find out Dear Heppy shall we?
let's see what others think
may the fun begin! - vote casting machine is available on the right side bar till the end of october
happy voting!
me

Poke'mon Liver

Dear Heppy
last wednesday i have had my liver biopsy done,
i was admitted into day ward at 9am,
around 9.30 i was seen by a young doctor who explained the procedure  to me once again along with possible risks, she answered a few of my questions, i signed consent form and she fitted me with a cannula,
a bit after 10am i was changed into hospital gown, given 10mg valium and ushered downstairs to x-ray department,
valium did its trick and i snoozed away on the corridor while waiting for biopsy,
i don't know how long i slept for, possibly more than 30 mins,
nurse specialist no2 came to wake me up and to wheel me in,
i was in good spirit and found it very comforting that the nurse and the radiologist had been chatting in a relaxed way about their respective families as if they were best friends, maybe they were and for some reason i found it mesmerising just listening to them chirping away while i watched radiologist putting the gown and gloves on and preparing instruments,
with expertise she quickly located my liver with ultrasound machine, placed the X mark and loaded up syringe with anesthetic,
that was the bit i was most afraid of but the nurse skillfully distracted me with questions about our dogs, no idea how she knew it was the best topic she could've picked but of course it worked,
i could feel something going on at the side of my ribcage but being unable to concentrate on two things at the same time and doped up with valium i had to direct all my mental forces towards the conversation, so much so i didn't even register when the actual biopsy took place, i made it just to see radiologist emptying the big needle into plastic container and register time on the clock - 11:10am
almost instantly i started feeling pain creeping into my right shoulder and in the side, it slowly grew from noticeable to very annoying and uncomfortable,
thankfully i was given a shot to kill the pain and i drifted off to sleep,
for the first hour my blood pressure was taken every 15 min, then every 30 min and finally on hourly basis,
2hrs after biopsy at 1.30pm i was given a small cup of water, i thought i would throw myself at it after hours of not being allowed to drink anything but i was fine enough only to sip a little bit,
after another 2hrs at 3.30pm i'd been given a sandwich with tea and allowed to get up to use the bathroom,
the pain has returned but it was nothing as it had been in the beginning and there was no need for more painkillers,
at 6.30pm the doctor came back to see me and officially discharge me,
they were very happy with my recovery and so was i with care that i'd been given,
everyone was extremely nice, patient and kind to me, i couldn't thank them all enough,
on that wednesday morning i walked in there terrified and wringing my wrists with anxiety but i walked out of there in the evening relaxed and happy with wonderful experience and memory of exciting adventure that it had been,
i was told results would be in around 2 - 3 weeks either given on the phone or explained at the visit with the consultant,
i'm not afraid anymore
i'm not even impatient for the results
all i can think of is the next step - meeting up with the consultant and if he agrees to release the weapons to me so i could use them against you Dear Heppy,
currently, apart from winning lotto, there's nothing more i would love to get in my life than this
me

Scar Tissue

Dear Heppy
my upcoming biopsy is meant to reveal how much damage you've made within my liver,
but technically it's a false statement which has been a shock for me to discover a while back,
it's not you who kills off liver - it's the very own immune system that does it,
regardless if you leave liver cells after replication by bursting membranes or by sliding out the attacked cells push their panic buttons calling for help,
cytokines like police squad arrive to asses the situation then call on for anti-terrorist reinforcements of leukocytes which in turn like a proper squad would, for the safety of all civilians they request to block off the affected sector and this job is done by liver's local stellate cells that lay down layers of collagen to separate the attacked cluster of cells from other healthy ones,
that very collagen is the essence of fibrosis,
it cuts off everything not to let contamination get out but it also prevents delivery of oxygen and nutrients from getting in,
the collagen cocooned cells are sentenced to death by starvation and suffocation for the benefit and safety of everyone else in the liver,
it wouldn't be that bad but this process is constant, never ending, never stopping, slowly there are more cut off dead and dying cells than there are new ones being produced or collagen removed once state of high alert is called off,
bit by bit damage overcomes regeneration rate,
it takes years, many years - at least 20 on average, sometimes even much more before fibrosis turns into cirrhosis - a scarring so severe it's beyond amazing ability of liver to repair itself but still it is able to function even if only 10% of its original capacity remains but when that goes as well then only liver transplant option remains...
so the truth is you are not as vicious Dear Heppy, you don't mean to damage anything intentionally, like a parasite you just want to hijack a bit of this and that to make your life more prosperous but even though you do your best to be as quiet about it as possible you do trigger alarm bells and immune system in its being thorough and zealous over reacts in the use of protective measures causing damage to its own master and draws all attention and finger of accusation towards you,
if it wasn't for that little detail Dear Heppy maybe you could have a chance for living in symbiosis just like other 'good bacteria' do but you haven't perfected it yet and for that reason i'm afraid you have to go,
i'm sorry but even though it's not your fault directly, you have to be cut out so my own immune system didn't cut off my liver
it's gotta be one or the other - unfortunately there can be no compromise
me

Pre-bx Visit

Dear Heppy
yesterday i went for my pre-biosy visit to have bloods taken,
getting up at 6am is not one of my favourites but with the right attitude most of things can be turned into exciting adventure,
the nurse i had met first time recognized me and sunshine instantly but this time we've been seen by a 3rd nurse and she was as nice and fantastic as the other two,
she answered all our questions, explained biopsy procedure and what else will be happening on the day and took 3 vials of blood,
if i don't hear anything from them by monday evening it means my bloods are fine and the biopsy will go ahead on wednesday next week,
since i've been told i won't be allowed to drink anything for at least 12 hrs i'm not scared of needles anymore because vision of bone dry mouth is much more terrifying,
nevertheless i'm actually looking forward to it,
for some strange reason i am not scared of what result of it may be like in the end,
i've been so waiting for it to find out because i couldn't bear the unknown of what you may have done to me and now suddenly it doesn't matter anymore... maybe because i rest assured that treatment will be my salvation or because i've grown to accept that whatever it is i can't change it and i peacefully surrender to what universe has planned to put me through because this is my path i need to walk
life is not hard or not unfair, it is what it is, you Dear Heppy helped me realize and put into practice that it is what i make of it and whatever i need to face i will take it on because there are no rules, without rules that can be broken there is no ground for complaint,
and simply in that i am the winner already because you can break my body but you cannot break my spirit
me