Phone Call

Dear Heppy
so far things seem not to be going according to the primary plan whatsoever
first i was given appointment date that didn't get a chance to happen because it came to be sooner
then i was given rough outline for biopsy date in another four months and it too won't have a chance to happen as it will come much, much sooner
at the sooner appointment i was told that i'd be contacted within seven days with exact date of biopsy and i was fine with that
seven days had passed but no news came...
i am impatient
i worry a lot
i am neurotic
i like things to work out perfect if possible
i like people to stick to the words they say
but i understand that another human factor which very rarely can be relied on has to be taken into account and that can't be helped
so i allowed for another seven days to pass
and they did and it was enough then, i picked up the receiver and dialed
this time i spoke to a different nurse specialist who floored and shocked me positively by announcing i could have my biopsy on 6th of october which is in less than two weeks!
of course i agreed extremely happy and grateful for such turn of events
just imagine Dear Heppy with only one phone call my waiting time has been cut down from four months to less than two weeks - so far kilkenny looks like an amazing sort of time warp zone, long may it continue
of course i wondered for a few seconds would they have ever rung and would have i been left to wait for long had i not done it first myself but better not to question luck too much right?
it's all brilliant as it is
this friday i need to go over there to have my bloods taken before the biopsy, main reason being that with increasing liver damage level of platelets gets lower and that affects and slows time of blood clotting which may lead to risk of internal bleeding after the puncture is performed and can be a very dangerous complication, so they need to know if it's safe to jab me in between the ribs or if they'd have to go in through the vein in my neck
by the look of my last results for platelets i should be fine plus i'm on vit K2 which promotes clotting although i take it for its anti IR properties
if things keep happening the way they are, my Dear Heppy we may cross our swords before this year is out or just as we step into 2011
i don't know why but this number looks absolutely perfect and fitting for waging out a war
don't you think?
me

Will I Be Normal?

Dear Heppy
when it comes to you there's always more questions than answers
let's take a supposedly very simple question right?
what is normal and how does it feel?
30 seconds...
20 seconds...
10 seconds...
...
sorry time's up!
i don't know what the answer is, i don't know if always feeling sleepy and tired since i can remember is your fault, if you've been with me all my life then yes it's possible but if you weren't then why am i like that and if i win with you will it improve, stay same or get worse?
see where i'm coming from?
let's see what else,
feeling cold most of the time always blamed on thyroid but may have been due to vit D deficiency that is normal in people infected with you
gastrointestinal problems, bloating and water retention that i blamed PCOS for but maybe you just share the bonds between you and it doesn't matter in the end?
mood swings and depressive states i always thought were just me being a misshapen and unfitting person - thank god tyrosine has changed that
those are things that have been with me since early days but there are also new recent ones, major one being brain fog, i've always loved words and collecting them was my hobby but recently i find it progressively harder to find even simple ones... i know what word i want to use but its alphabetical transliteration doesn't come for ages, i can't remember what happened previous day unless given memory anchor, sometimes i'm not sure anymore which planet i live on, it's a bit unsettling to be losing mental capacity that used to be readily available at a drop of a hat...
in general it's not very bad you know, i manage, i have things under control thanks to numerous supplements and vitamins that i take, thanks to them my brain wakes up when the body gets up, i have physical and mental energy to scramble out of the bed and start the day and i can function with more often than not happy spirit so i forget what it is like without my bionic fixtures and believe me you without them things are not as rosy at all, think pink bunny without its energizer batteries image, yeah quite not fun, quite flat and motionless actually
so if i don't know answer what it means to feel normal i am left to wonder if i find out once you're gone or will it all stay with me or get worse?
i don't rule out anything but my curiosity and hope that for once i could taste what it means to feel like healthy humans feel is one of the reasons that keeps me determined to try to get rid of you
and hopefully i will
me

Breaking News

Dear Heppy
i have some good and bad news for you
bad news is i will be getting treatment
the good news is i will have to wait for about 6 months before it starts
i guess you're curious now for me to elaborate more on each, right?
the more bad news for you is that the nurse specialist i had spoken to on my visit is fantastic
she was very patient in answering all of my numerous questions and had all the time in the world for me
i was extremely happy to find out they use rescue drugs if needed so in case my bloods drop dosages won't be lowered or treatment stopped so you won't be given a chance to get a breather, instead you'll be under constant shoot out
when i need them anti depressants also will be prescribed so hopefully i won't pack in to give you chance to win just because i'd be too down or insane
they will do whatever they can to hit you hard and fast to give you least odds possible
and they will take good care of me
as you see despite lots of prior anxiety how things would work out i managed to get good team on my side to fight this war against you
the further good news is if i am a slow responder they would not extend treatment to 72 weeks so if you put up a strong fight you are in a chance of beating me in this by stripping me off my weapons
also i will have to wait for biopsy for about four months, unless i would be called in for biopsy sooner if a cancellation happens, and then another two before i could fire my guns at you so you have quite a bit of time to continue your heppy existence and plot against me
nevertheless despite securing good treatment team with good treatment plan still i know it may not be enough to win with you but it greatly increases my chances and i feel happy, excited and truly blessed i will have opportunity to use that funky weaponry against you
ultimately as statistics rightly state we both have 50% chance and our glasses are half full because i am happy, confident and empowered with what i have achieved so far to stand against you and so is yours because you are heppy, confident and empowered with what you have achieved so far in destroying my body
it's going to be a very interesting and exciting duel don't you think?
me

Invasion

Dear Heppy
sometimes i think your mentality and modus operandi is so much like that of humans you reside in
you're like conquistadors flooding south america, you're like early settlers claiming virgin plains of wild wild west, you're like explorers sailing to far away and exotic lands looking for oriental spices and treasures and you're like astronauts reaching even further towards other planets and stars
syringe is like a spaceship in which you can go to new places where you could build your civilization because more often than not you're lucky, cunning and strong enough that even though upon disembarkment you are faced with indigenious hordes of white cells that like wild animals want to hunt you down and rip you apart you survive and succeed in taking over
your tactic is to dress up in protective armor made of lipids and knock on the cell doors like that of village huts looking for shelter
and once the naive docile dwellers in good faith welcome you in, you take everyone hostage by inhibiting AMP kinase and roll out your genetic laboratory to produce more, more and more of yourself, because strength is in numbers and from tentative explorer you turn into alexander the great's voracious army killing, raping, pillaging and burning down everything that is on your way
in the mean time lots of you die in the battlefield but it won't matter because by then for each fallen soldier you have two or three new ones ready to march on
you spread and spread until you take over and populate the entire universe, you travel to galaxies as distant as bone marrow, cerebrospinal fluid, lymph nodes and even brain, there's no limit, there's no stopping you
you came, you saw, you conquered
are you at all aware of effect your actions have on ecology?
do you realise that just like humans at first tentatively set out to discover new places and as their numbers and confidence rose they built cities, nations, went to war and populated the whole earth, they damaged it by their greed and exploitation to suffering point, and you do the very same thing by destroying the world you live in?
as your mother earth i'd like to say i've had enough Dear Heppy, i want to unleash biblical apocalypse upon you and send you back to hell you came from, be able to restore as much as possible and live in harmony with nature, the way it should be
me

Letter Campaign

Dear Heppy
i'm afraid you're not gonna be happy with what i'm just about to tell you
some three weeks ago i've embarked on a seemingly crazy mission of writing a seemingly innocent enough letter with a few questions regarding treatment protocols and sending it off to six out of seven hepatology clinics in the country
when i was sending those letters on their, what i had thought, mission impossible i never really expected to receive any response although quietly i was hoping for one, but not two weeks went by and i got it
i was so happy and overjoyed because the answers have lifted the veil off of the unknown for me and i was glad i could relax and refocus while awaiting for my 1st appointment
finally i knew what rules of the game to expect
and it could've been just that
but the following day i had received an email from another clinic asking for my phone number, because they wanted to contact me and discuss things
what a joy right?
not only that, the very same day i found a thin brown envelope in the mail box, i knew something was up, i opened it trembling with excitement and there without beating about the bush i had an actual appointment date for the hospital in Kilkenny in my hand
you couldn't imagine the emotions and thoughts that raced through my head at that moment
utter disbelief i got replies flowing in, shock at getting way more than i had bargained for, overflow of the joy how things started working out, good dose of panic about making right choice, huge excitement of the prospect of getting treatment and boundless gratitude for generosity that universe offers me
even for a good while i got confused as to the date, i could see september on it but it took me a bit to fully realize that the 8th is actually only week away!
so Dear Heppy if nothing forbids i will be going to my first appointment in one weeks time
two months sooner than we both had thought
i am over the moon while i guess you may not be so much so... don't blame ya, life sometimes does suck
just like i got bad news once i think it's ok for you get some sometime too
so we're even in that department
and maybe much much closer to standing head to head in the fighting ring
start getting your gloves ready Dear Heppy because sooner or later i'm coming to get you
me