Xmas Present

Dear Heppy
for christmas i got the letter with appointment date,
as i'm superstitious and don't want to jinx it again, all i will say is it's in january,
i won't relax and believe it's going to happen until after it actually happens,
because anything could happen anytime beforehand,
nothing's ever granted you see,
prepared for the worst but hoping for the best,
me

Time Is Now

Dear Heppy
a few days ago i realized something,
something that's been escaping me because i had been so busy with being impatient,
when (hopefully) i am on tx my brain more than likely may turn into a mush that won't have capacity to hold concentration on anything for longer than a single minute if not only a score of seconds so all the things that i'd been so confident about doing are not guaranteed at all, in fact may not happen altogether for a year plus, so i got a rush, a huge rush to do as much as i can with my brain before it goes completely vegetarian,
now i'm busy with things that i used to be busy with before you turned my life upside down and entirely took over,
for the time being i have no minute to waste on you,
actually truth be told i shouldn't have wasted as much as i have and it had to take me six months to come to this simple conclusion, but well 'you live and learn' as they say, so i did
i don't think you 24/7 no more
i don't breathe you 24/7 no more
i don't fear you 24/7 no more
i don't talk to you 24/7 no more
i don't talk about you 24/7 no more
you're no longer the only passenger on merry-go-round of my mind spinning time after time in a fixed circle,
waiting is a state of mind - a euphemism for wasting time that's been given to us to use, because every minute that passes is unique, precious and can't be ever recovered,
if i were standing in front of st peter telling me to enter the afterlife realm i'd argue i haven't done everything i wanted to,
and he'd be correct if he told me 'but you had enough of time! you wasted most of it so why should you get more if you don't know what to do with it?'
i'm still not sure if i'm using my time in the best way i could but at least i'm not wasting it for waiting,
what is to be will come regardless
the tables have turned Dear Heppy and now you have to wait
wait for...
...me

Changing Direction

Dear Heppy
yesterday i continued being devastated,
sometimes some things are hard to accept especially when a mistake of allowing oneself to have expectation(s) is made,
i made that mistake and i was paying heavily for it so obviously i fully deserved it,
at the time it was hard to put this disappointment into a context of chain of events so i was full of anger and pain...
in life there are always only two options - give up or regroup and go on,
turns out i am a survivor after all and sooner or later pick myself up,
'the war is won in the heart' - i'd say it's more a mind thing but that's only semantics, truth stays the same regardless of the term used,
what is the solution then?
finding something positive and delayed tx brings a few things about like:
- i could be starting tx along with John and Archer in february or march,
- i will have even more time to get in better shape,
- i will be able to read, watch and play for longer before i'd lose brains to tx fog,
long term protection scheme is also being put in place which involves refocusing, removing myself from intense hcv related mainstream and focusing on some other parts of life that had used to be primary before i found out about you and everything went upside down,
i still will be waiting, countdown won't ever stop but it won't be everything to me anymore, i won't let you win by getting me down,
if the war is won in the heart well then Dear Heppy you've already lost it,
me

Snow

Dear Heppy
i guess you're gonna laugh your little viral ass off when i tell you what just happened today,
on 6 o'clock news they announced that outpatient clinic of st luke's hospital in kilkenny will be closed tomorrow and all the outpatient visits will be canceled,
quite disturbed by that information i rang the hospital and the lady i spoke to hadn't heard of this although i had been a 3rd person already asking her about it,
thank god she asked me for my number so she could ring me back, and she did 15 minutes later to say that she spoke to general director of the hospital who confirmed that indeed what they said on the national news was in fact true,
as you can imagine i went into convulsive shock straight away, infuriated with the way it had all happened, with the irony of my appointment getting canceled just day before and finding out about it just by pure fluke of luck - simply unbelievable!
if not for that though, i would've gone there tomorrow only to kiss the closed door and in result go on a killing spree claiming lives of at least a few innocents who would have happened to be too near me,
right now i just don't know if to laugh or cry....
so countdown as ever continues never quite reaching zero...
again another two, maybe three weeks till that elusive appointment? or maybe until after christmas??
i'm sure you're loving it Dear Heppy and having a ball of a lifetime
well enjoy then for as long as you can
because it's just a matter of time....
me